I had a cup of green tea this morning with a spoon of honey in it. I don't know why it doesn't taste like the green tea my mom makes. Hers tastes good. Mine...well, it's not quite the same.

I had a hot cocoa at lunch. Melissa got me one even though I should have just eaten my lunch and not opted for hot sweetness. Good for the throat, she said. Very true. Good for the throat, good for the soul. I love the feel of hot cocoa pushing its way through layers of whipped cream, like breaking through a dam.

That and string cheese - all I've eaten today. It's five o'clock and I know I should get up and have an early dinner due to my lack of lunch, but I'd much rather sit here and write. I'm not hungry anyway. I always lose my appetite when I'm sick, or when I'm feeling melancholic. I can't help but feel both right now. I have bronchitis, or did have it - I think I'm getting a little better though still coughing insanely. I'm also plagued by melancholia today. I don't know why it chooses to follow me around. I don't know how it manages to reach me so easily. In my mind I'm paralleling it to physical sickness - to bacteria or to a virus. It seems as though we have both a physical and emotional immune system, both of which are extremely sensitive to the world - or, at least mine are. I get sick easily; I am moved easily. I like that the smallest things can make me happy, but I hate that the smallest things can bring me to tears.

It's an odd feeling to be simultaneously disappointed and pleased. I know I can count on so many fingers all the disappointments I've had, most which are with myself. I'm disappointed with myself when I don't perform as well as I had hoped, academically. I blame myself and torment myself for not working harder, for not being smarter. I tell myself all of that whenever I make a mistake. I have a feeling I might be telling myself this tomorrow because I chose to blog instead of work on a research proposal I have due tomorrow. "A few pages and a bibliography, nothing I can't whip up in an hour or so" I tell myself. It sounded reckless as I wrote it. I'll probably wrap this up soon so I can get writing.

Occasionally I find myself disappointed with others. I think it's because I have expectations that aren't met, and it's odd because I was talking to a mentor-ish person, and I told him I try not to have expectations because I don't want to be disappointed. (at which point he grinned, took out a note card and wrote "Whatever happens I don't mind" on it and gave it to me.) I'm trying to understand the discrepancy between what I said and what I feel. Perhaps they're unconscious expectations, ones that everyone has of others just because we're social beings and that's what we do. No idea.

But I sometimes want people to act a certain way because I think to myself, "that's how I would/should act, because that's the right/nice thing to do." I hold people to the same standards I hold myself (in some things, not all) and I get upset when they don't treat me as I would like to be treated. They're breaking the Golden Rule, and as I am one who lives by rules, I of course find myself a little incensed.

But then there are the happy little surprises that come at me randomly. Unexpected kindness from unexpected sources. I wish I could elaborate on that, but really that's all there is. Unexpected acts of kindness - of love - make me forget about disappointments...at least for the moment. They soften up my heart. I do wish I could experience it more often - life has hardened my heart in recent years and I don't like myself that way.

It does, however, make me productive, which I need to be if I'm going to write this proposal thing.

I. As of late, most of my thoughts have taken on the form of questions. I constantly ask myself questions about myself. How I got a certain way and why, how it makes me feel, whether I blame myself or others. My latest question is how I got to be so self-inquisitive. Well, that, and how I became such a recluse. That actually prompted me to write this blog. I was wondering about it, and then realized that I have a tendency to ask myself a lot of questions, and then I wondered where that came from.

II. Columbia feels so stale to me now. I hate to say that because it's not really the town I'm sick of, nor the people. I like it here, but I guess I want something more now, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast. I want much more than this provincial life.  Perhaps that reference reeks of cheesiness, but it's my favorite Disney movie. I love Belle and have always been able to relate to her.
I suppose taking a few months to backpack through Europe or take a road trip through Latin America might be daring to dream a little too much. But I could content myself with a new home or a new step in my academic career. I really hope that come May 2010 I have plans. A Master's degree that I can take to a new job or a PhD program. Or something else equally exciting. I don't know.

III. I don't read as much as I used to and I don't like that. I used to go through a book every few weeks. Currently, I'm reading An American Tragedy and have been reading it since July. Granted, it's a very long book and I have been busy, but still. Well...not too bad. I just checked and it's 856 pages and I'm on 605. I'm not in terrible shape. But still. I have so many more books to read. The Late Hector Kipling just came in the mail and I'm anxious to read it. But then I've had Nana and The Penguin Book of Hebrew Verse, and a yoga anatomy book and several yoga magazines sitting on my desk for several weeks now. I should do the Hebrew one because I already started it some time ago. But then I have my Islamic books and my Arabic book to work with, and it's been ages since I touched any of my French books. Hmm...sudden insight. Perhaps I should tackle one thing at a time. Finish faster and then move on to other stuff. Interesting idea.

IV. I'm always motivated to be productive, start new projects and make new goals for myself at night. Like at midnight. 1 a.m. When nothing can be done. I wish I thought of these things in the morning. I'm going to make a schedule for myself and put it next to my alarm clock and remember to follow it when I wake up.