Lady_Fergs's Xanga

Because I don't feel like writing a blog with actual flow.

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:26:18 GMT

I. I just finished reading "The Ballad of Reading Gaol" by Oscar Wilde. (HM Prison Reading, formerly known as Reading Gaol, is a male Young Offenders Institution, located in Reading, Berkshire, England.- from wikipedia) On the whole the book (same title + other poems) has so far been a little uninteresting, but I loved this particular poem. I recommend it.

II. I was supposed to tutor today and I'm annoyed that I had a no-show. On the plus side, I had extra time to go book hunting for a paper I have due tomorrow which I have not started. In my search, I came across John Lipski's Varieties of Spanish in the United States, which I read over the summer. I was SO jazzed to come across it again because it's exactly what I need.

III. I'm developing an unhealthy obsession with John Lipski. He's so awesome and brilliant, I want to take classe with him! I hope he never decides to google himself and come across this blog.

IV. I am stressed, surrounded by stacks of library books, and yet somewhat content. Current loans are all about Louisiana Spanish and their traditions, Spanish sociolinguistics, code-switching, and Turkey. Oh, and one book of poetry in Arabic and Spanish. I love books.

V. I hope I can finish Wilde's book tonight so I can start with a new backpack book this week (as the name suggests, a book which I carry in my backpack and pull out to read when I have down time before classes, etc)

VI. All this leisure reading and I have a deadline to meet. Paper. Due tomorrow. Must write.

VII. True nerd. Every single one of these points have been about reading.

VIII. Unrelated to books: I simply adore Mika. He needs to come out with a cd in French. "Grace Kelly" would have to be on it.

IX. Going back to books - I was just thinking, I would LOVE to run a library. Only, I think I would be Madam Pince from Harry Potter - super, freakishly protective of all the books. They would be my babies.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:11:14 GMT

I had a cup of green tea this morning with a spoon of honey in it. I don't know why it doesn't taste like the green tea my mom makes. Hers tastes good. Mine...well, it's not quite the same.

I had a hot cocoa at lunch. Melissa got me one even though I should have just eaten my lunch and not opted for hot sweetness. Good for the throat, she said. Very true. Good for the throat, good for the soul. I love the feel of hot cocoa pushing its way through layers of whipped cream, like breaking through a dam.

That and string cheese - all I've eaten today. It's five o'clock and I know I should get up and have an early dinner due to my lack of lunch, but I'd much rather sit here and write. I'm not hungry anyway. I always lose my appetite when I'm sick, or when I'm feeling melancholic. I can't help but feel both right now. I have bronchitis, or did have it - I think I'm getting a little better though still coughing insanely. I'm also plagued by melancholia today. I don't know why it chooses to follow me around. I don't know how it manages to reach me so easily. In my mind I'm paralleling it to physical sickness - to bacteria or to a virus. It seems as though we have both a physical and emotional immune system, both of which are extremely sensitive to the world - or, at least mine are. I get sick easily; I am moved easily. I like that the smallest things can make me happy, but I hate that the smallest things can bring me to tears.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:35:29 GMT

“Las ilusiones de un corazón ardiente son como las flores del estío: su perfume es más penetrante pero su existencia más pasajera.” – Sab, por Gertrudis Gómez de Avellaneda

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:51:40 GMT

It's an odd feeling to be simultaneously disappointed and pleased. I know I can count on so many fingers all the disappointments I've had, most which are with myself. I'm disappointed with myself when I don't perform as well as I had hoped, academically. I blame myself and torment myself for not working harder, for not being smarter. I tell myself all of that whenever I make a mistake. I have a feeling I might be telling myself this tomorrow because I chose to blog instead of work on a research proposal I have due tomorrow. "A few pages and a bibliography, nothing I can't whip up in an hour or so" I tell myself. It sounded reckless as I wrote it. I'll probably wrap this up soon so I can get writing.

Occasionally I find myself disappointed with others. I think it's because I have expectations that aren't met, and it's odd because I was talking to a mentor-ish person, and I told him I try not to have expectations because I don't want to be disappointed. (at which point he grinned, took out a note card and wrote "Whatever happens I don't mind" on it and gave it to me.) I'm trying to understand the discrepancy between what I said and what I feel. Perhaps they're unconscious expectations, ones that everyone has of others just because we're social beings and that's what we do. No idea.

But I sometimes want people to act a certain way because I think to myself, "that's how I would/should act, because that's the right/nice thing to do." I hold people to the same standards I hold myself (in some things, not all) and I get upset when they don't treat me as I would like to be treated. They're breaking the Golden Rule, and as I am one who lives by rules, I of course find myself a little incensed.

But then there are the happy little surprises that come at me randomly. Unexpected kindness from unexpected sources. I wish I could elaborate on that, but really that's all there is. Unexpected acts of kindness - of love - make me forget about disappointments...at least for the moment. They soften up my heart. I do wish I could experience it more often - life has hardened my heart in recent years and I don't like myself that way.

It does, however, make me productive, which I need to be if I'm going to write this proposal thing.

10 Things I Hate About You

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 22:53:45 GMT

1. I hate that my shower has been broken for a week because I have go to the rec center every evening to shower there.
2. I hate that I'm actually annoyed that I have to go to the rec center every day because it used to be my favorite place to be.
3. I hate that I don't have as much time to work out and that it's not as fun as it used to be.
4. I hate applying to PhD programs because it's time-consuming, panic attack -inducing, and on the whole makes me feel all sorts of miserable.
5. I hate that I always feel forgotten/ignored.
6. I hate that I'm not as happy with my body as I used to be.
7. I hate that my workload never seems to get any smaller.
8. I hate that there are always spiders in my apartment. They know I'm scared of them.
9. I hate that I let people make me feel incompetent when I'm really not.
10. I hate that I lack the motivation/inspiration to write a real blog and opted to write a list instead.

Random Thoughts

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 04:42:52 GMT

I. As of late, most of my thoughts have taken on the form of questions. I constantly ask myself questions about myself. How I got a certain way and why, how it makes me feel, whether I blame myself or others. My latest question is how I got to be so self-inquisitive. Well, that, and how I became such a recluse. That actually prompted me to write this blog. I was wondering about it, and then realized that I have a tendency to ask myself a lot of questions, and then I wondered where that came from.

II. Columbia feels so stale to me now. I hate to say that because it's not really the town I'm sick of, nor the people. I like it here, but I guess I want something more now, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast. I want much more than this provincial life. Perhaps that reference reeks of cheesiness, but it's my favorite Disney movie. I love Belle and have always been able to relate to her.
I suppose taking a few months to backpack through Europe or take a road trip through Latin America might be daring to dream a little too much. But I could content myself with a new home or a new step in my academic career. I really hope that come May 2010 I have plans. A Master's degree that I can take to a new job or a PhD program. Or something else equally exciting. I don't know.

III. I don't read as much as I used to and I don't like that. I used to go through a book every few weeks. Currently, I'm reading An American Tragedy and have been reading it since July. Granted, it's a very long book and I have been busy, but still. Well...not too bad. I just checked and it's 856 pages and I'm on 605. I'm not in terrible shape. But still. I have so many more books to read. The Late Hector Kipling just came in the mail and I'm anxious to read it. But then I've had Nana and The Penguin Book of Hebrew Verse, and a yoga anatomy book and several yoga magazines sitting on my desk for several weeks now. I should do the Hebrew one because I already started it some time ago. But then I have my Islamic books and my Arabic book to work with, and it's been ages since I touched any of my French books. Hmm...sudden insight. Perhaps I should tackle one thing at a time. Finish faster and then move on to other stuff. Interesting idea.

IV. I'm always motivated to be productive, start new projects and make new goals for myself at night. Like at midnight. 1 a.m. When nothing can be done. I wish I thought of these things in the morning. I'm going to make a schedule for myself and put it next to my alarm clock and remember to follow it when I wake up.

Trying the whole positivity thing

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 04:49:35 GMT

I just realized that pride often keeps me from taking positive steps in my life. I must make it a point to swallow my pride more often; I bet I'll be a lot happier.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 18:29:55 GMT

Parece que no importa cuánto escriba, nunca me desharé de todo el veneno y la pena.
Sólo quiero estar feliz, pero no puedo porque mi felicidad depende completemente de otras personas. Si tan sólo no sintiera tanto cariño por otros, porque casi nunca corresponde en la manera que necesito.

The Musings of an 84 year old Pakistani Grandmother

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 23:21:54 GMT

As I was watching the evening news with my grandmother just now, she turned to me and said (in Urdu):

"Did you see that picture of Obama with the Hitler mustache?"
"Yeah...it's stupid."
"Americans are just jealous of him. They can't accept that they have a black president."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I mean, look at Bush. He did so many horrible things and he messed up the entire country, yet they look for all these little things with Obama."
"I know."
"Don't they get it? It's so easy to knock down a wall, but it takes time to rebuild it. Obama is trying to rebuild after Bush's mess and that takes time."
"Yeah, I know."

I wasn't that responsive because I was lying on the ground with a tummy ache, but I enjoy hearing her short commentaries on American politics. The last part made me smile because it was so wise. It is easy to knock things down, and rebuilding it all takes time. I'm so used to words of wisdom being thrown directly at me when I'm feeling troubled - it's nice when they come up randomly in conversation and aren't specifically directed towards me.

I get thrown off very easily by crap that comes my way. I break easily. I'd like to think I almost never show it, but it happens nonetheless. Being reminded - even accidentally by my grandmother - that I can pick myself up again with time is encouraging.

Do I really quit?

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 18:11:17 GMT

I did yoga on my own - just a spontaneous 30 minute session - for like the first time since quitting my instructor job at the rec. It felt oddly bittersweet. My balance is as good as ever but my flexibility seems to have decreased a tad. Nothing that a little more yoga can't fix.

Besides that, I'm not sure how I feel about not teaching anymore. I can't even give a hard reason as to why I quit in the first place. I was just upset about other things in life so I quit my part-time job. But now...I kind of miss it. There's a lot of things I don't miss, and plenty of reasons I don't want to go back. Pride ("May I have my job back, please?" The mere thought makes me feel weird) and time constraints (teaching + taking Spanish classes) are at the top of my list.

But having taught for over 2 years the teacher mindset has become ingrained. When I work out on my own, everything has to be done with a 32 count in mind. I mutter cues to myself - which, admittedly, only makes my form better. I think I just get into not just a teaching mode, but a class mode. I still work out like I have a class working with me.

That feels so to admit.

Doing yoga though made me realize how much I missed it. I can get over not teaching another toning or cardio class again. But I'm undecided about yoga. I'm not sure if I like the solo practice over class practice. I'm reminded of how I used to play the violin in high school. I quit orchestra after three years and with that I essentially quit playing the violin because I didn't care to play solo. I wasn't any good, to be honest. But my point is, it feels similar. I wish I never sold my violin, and if I had a larger disposible income, I would probably buy another one and take refresher lessons or something.

I don't think I'm totally regretful about quitting teaching; I'm not sure. I should do yoga more often because I used to feel the benefits of it when I did it regularly. I just don't know if I'll be motivated to do it so often if I'm not teaching it. I need no motivation to get me to do cardio and lifting and abs - it's routine for me. But yoga requires motivation. Teaching used to be it. I had to be there and so I did it, but I still enjoyed it once I took a deep breath and did my thing. And I liked the classroom setting - having others around, either with me as a fellow yogi or following me as an intructor.

But then I sometimes - ok, almost always - do get competitive, and so perhaps doing yoga alone might be better for me.

But then the company was still nice, especially when I was teaching. Fitness is the one thing I feel like I'm the best at, and people coming to me after class to tell me I was the best....well, was quite nice!

This earnest endeavor to sort out my thoughts has turned into a somewhat immature rambling of my self-esteem and validation issues