I was just weight lifting, and brought my laptop (source of music @ home) back to my room to charge up the battery. "Oh - I'm going to pop over on Facebook before I head back to do my
Butts and Guts dvd" I think to myself. Not much going on. I wonder how X, Y, and Z are doing. I must go see. Such a mistake. Because now I feel pathetic. I really am. I went on Facebook, and am now on Xanga, when I could have done part of my dvd by now, which by the way I have no motivation to do anymore. Course I'll eventually do it when I log off because if I don't work out, I won't be fit, and being fit is my thing and really my only thing; it's the only thing I really feel good about anyway.
I wish so much I could reach out and talk to people when I need them most, without feeling guilty about troubling them. I wish I could be sure that when I approach someone about something, they
want me to talk to them and aren't just putting up with me.
This is all because I'm a middle child, isn't it?
How I've segued from the original thing that brought me down. But so many questions are floating in my mind and they all come down to me, wondering what's wrong with me. I'm reminded of this description of Colonel Brandon in
Sense and Sensibility where Willoughby said something like "Brandon is the sort of man everyone speaks well of, but no one remembers to talk to." People are nice to me, and if they talk about me or describe me they always say the sweetest things. Yet...I always feel like an island.
I was feeling down a couple of weeks ago and went to talk to someone who knew me well. At one point though, he mistook something I said to be low self-esteem issues. He shook his head in disbelief and listed off all the things he liked about me. I believed him, because I already thought those things of myself. What perplexes me though is that if I think I'm wonderful, and everyone else thinks I'm wonderful, why doesn't anyone want to be with me?
There. The question every single girl asks herself but never others.
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