I was just weight lifting, and brought my laptop (source of music @ home) back to my room to charge up the battery. "Oh - I'm going to pop over on Facebook before I head back to do my Butts and Guts dvd" I think to myself. Not much going on. I wonder how X, Y, and Z are doing. I must go see. Such a mistake. Because now I feel pathetic. I really am. I went on Facebook, and am now on Xanga, when I could have done part of my dvd by now, which by the way I have no motivation to do anymore. Course I'll eventually do it when I log off because if I don't work out, I won't be fit, and being fit is my thing and really my only thing; it's the only thing I really feel good about anyway.

I wish so much I could reach out and talk to people when I need them most, without feeling guilty about troubling them. I wish I could be sure that when I approach someone about something, they want me to talk to them and aren't just putting up with me.

This is all because I'm a middle child, isn't it?

How I've segued from the original thing that brought me down. But so many questions are floating in my mind and they all come down to me, wondering what's wrong with me. I'm reminded of this description of Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibility where Willoughby said something like "Brandon is the sort of man everyone speaks well of, but no one remembers to talk to." People are nice to me, and if they talk about me or describe me they always say the sweetest things. Yet...I always feel like an island.

I was feeling down a couple of weeks ago and went to talk to someone who knew me well. At one point though, he mistook something I said to be low self-esteem issues. He shook his head in disbelief and listed off all the things he liked about me. I believed him, because I already thought those things of myself. What perplexes me though is that if I think I'm wonderful, and everyone else thinks I'm wonderful, why doesn't anyone want to be with me?

There. The question every single girl asks herself but never others.

I was reading someone else's blog about women who wear veils and all the negative associations with it. I started to leave a comment, but then it just got so long so I decided to post my comments here instead.

People who think veiling = oppression of some sort are kind of stupid. I'm just saying.

I mean, are people who hold on to their chastity until marriage oppressed b/c they're not sexually liberated? What about those who don't like to wear low cut shirts because they're too modest to show their boobs? If a person has a higher degree of modesty than you, accept it and get over it. That doesn't make them a better person because there could be a million other things wrong with them.

It's oppressive when you're forced into it. There are women of all sorts of faiths who have been forced to wear whatever form of a veil. Muslim girls who are forced to wear hijab. I can't count how many stories I've read about girls entering the convent against their wills. And that's not right. I can only speak as a Muslim - wearing a veil IS a requirement in our religion, but to me it's live and let live. If you choose not to follow that particular command, I kind of don't give a shit. I'd be happy for you if you started wearing it because I do firmly believe in its benefits, but I don't look down on anyone who doesn't.

I want to say here though that while it's oppressive to force women to wear a veil, it's equally oppressive to keep women from wearing something they want to wear, like they do in some countries that are strong advocates of secularism. Yes, sometimes religion can get very institutionalized and controlling, but there are other people - a LOT of people who want to practice their religion. What's the big deal if they do? Honestly. People need to stop equating secularism with freedom and happiness. It is for some but not for others.

Re the "holier than thou" complex that some veiled women have - they're full of shit too. Like I said, I don't judge anyone who doesn't wear a scarf, partly because it's none of my business, but also because I know wearing a headscarf is only a tiny fraction of my religion, and there are other aspects where perhaps I'm weak and they're strong. God knows how messed up I am.

Honestly I think the world would be a MUCH better place if people were to just mind their own damn business and let people do their own thing. I mean, the U.S. screwed up most of Latin America because they were afraid of a communist "threat" when they were only using it for their own economic development, not for world domination. Likewise with veiled women: we wear it for ourselves, not to say "Hello, infidel. Come to our side or we will destroy you."

As I wrote this, I must have used the F-word at least a dozen times in my head. I get so worked up sometimes that I start cussing, and I lose my verbal flow. I'm so tired of defending the veil  - I'm going to start giving people the finger if they look at me piteously or angrily. Is that very mean?

I find myself sitting in a hotel in West Virginia tonight. As far as I know it's my first time here. It's a prettyish sort of state. Reminiscent of Missouri, but with better weather. I have nothing else to say about it - we're just stopping here for the night. My stomach hurts.