Now here I always thought that the hijab was simply an additional garment a woman wore for the sake of modesty, to be worn the same way you'd wear a shirt or a pair of pants -- meant for covering the body. Of course, it is religion-specific, so it's definitely a label that says "Hi, I'm Muslim." But I never thought that by choosing to (not) wear it, you also assume a myriad of other labels.

Over the course of my adult life, I've heard so many labels associated with the hijab: religious, conservative, closed-minded, afraid of men, shy, timid, quiet, weak, will have an arranged marriage, old-fashioned, traditional, oh and my favorite: judgmental. Oh, I'm the judgmental kettle, Mr. Pot?

As someone who has been wearing hijab for about 13 years, I can't really speak for Muslim women who don't wear it and if they've ever been labelled unfairly because of the fact that they don't wear hijab...so I won't go there. But from where I'm standing at least, it's a very messy business. Now I know you're not supposed to care about what others think, and you're just supposed to worry about doing what's right for you, blah, blah, blah. But I think we all know it's not as simple as just dismissing what people say/think of you and moving on with life. People's presumptions have their consequences. Ask the Muslim women who've taken off their hijabs. Of course, people stop wearing it for different reasons -- but I guarantee you many of them were feeling like they were being boxed out of interactions with other men and women - their fellow Muslims -- simply because people looked at them and thought "Hmph. Her hijab makes me feel uneasy. Stay away."

What's the big deal about taking your scarf off to avoid such judgments? A woman shouldn't have to compromise a part of who she is just so people can look at her and go "oh, you're human too! flaws and all!" I wish people were smart enough to come to that realization on their own -- that just because a woman wears hijab, it doesn't mean she automatically fits into a certain Muslim archetype and is going to behave a certain way/have certain beliefs. Yes, you will meet hijabis who live up to every single one of your preconceived notions, and that's fine, but don't expect all of us to.

I'm not trying to say that we're all the opposite of those aforementioned stereotypes, or that certain labels are good and others are bad. All I mean to say is that every Muslim is different in terms of their personality and certainly in terms of how practicing they are. Sure, the hijab is an outward indicator of how practicing one might be. But come on. The Twilight bookcovers look decent enough, but you can't call them a crappy series until you actually open them up and read them, right?

For the past decade or so I've been hearing Muslims complain to no end about how they hate being misjudged by non-Muslims because they look a certain way. To that I shrug and say, what goes around comes around. You don't want people thinking you're a crazy terrorist just because you're Muslim. Well, I don't want you thinking that I'm a certain "type" because I wear hijab. Perhaps its complimentary because you think I'm a better person than I actually am. Thank you, but I do not want praise that I don't deserve. So, I'm asking you -- no, I am pleading with you -- don't judge a book by its cover.

I wanted to comment on a recent NPR story, http://www.npr.org/2011/04/21/135523680/lifting-the-veil-muslim-women-explain-their-choice -- about Muslim women who have unveiled. It was interesting to say the least. I'm a Muslim woman, I wear a veil, and while I've never taken it off, I'd be lying if I said the thought never crossed my mind. I imagine that reactions to the interviews (on the part of Muslims, at least) have ranged from hijabis (women who wear a headscarf) going "how dare you!!!" to non-hijabis going "wonderful!!", along with a number of folks in between with mixed reactions. Always a bit cavalier to make assumptions, I know. I also assume I can be contradicted very easily. :)

Anyway, it's a piece that hits all Muslim women strongly, because either they're covering or they're not, for whatever reasons. Needless to say, I certainly have strong, albeit mixed feelings about this as well. I was hesitant to write anything about this because I never want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings, and having such dear friends that are from very diverse backgrounds, I know it's a risk I run whenever I open my mouth or spill on the keyboard. That said, I am preemptively offering my sincerest apologies if you read this and take offense somehow.

As I've already mentioned, I have occasionally thought about taking off my scarf. I should throw in here that they weren't serious thoughts -- more like musings, I guess. Casually wondering how things might be different if I stopped wearing it. And then shaking those feelings away because the idea of quitting a good habit that I've kept up for so long sort of frightened me. Regardless though, I still thought about it. I felt like I might be seen differently, treated differently, which was/is something I've wanted at times, and for that my only justification is that I'm human. The point of covering one's self is to be modest, and yet I think as humans, unless you're completely asexual, there's a desire to...well, not be modest. I don't mean slutty, of course. Just...to feel attractive, and to have the attention of others. In my experience as a hijabi, you don't really feel that. You don't feel unattractive, but you certainly feel that no one is looking at you that way. Which, again, is the point! (and of course, there are exceptions. People find beauty in whatever they want, even a woman who's 95% covered head-to-toe.) But yeah, there's sometimes a desire to go against it all and just feel all attractive. That is certainly difficulty #1 that I can relate to.

However, as much as I do relate to that difficulty, I guess I've never succumbed to it for two reasons: (1) Fear. Remember that whole concept of Heaven and Hell that Muslims (and other faiths) believe in? Well, I don't want to end up in the latter, and if keeping on the hijab is one more thing that will tip the scale the other way, so much the better. Hey, I'm a crappy person and I need all the points I can get! (2) I sometimes ask myself if I really want to be treated differently. There is some treatment I get while wearing the hijab that I'm not sure I would get if I didn't. I guess because my appearance is more modest, I'm automatically taken to be more lady-like/chaste or something. I guess it's almost like being around a nun, maybe? I feel like people are more well-behaved in front of me -- or at least I see this with men. They are more gentlemanly with me -- and are likely to keep their conversations PG in front of me. They don't get into my personal space. I find them to be just overall more respectful to me, and I like that. Maybe I wouldn't lose that without the hijab, but I'd rather not take my chances. The status-quo is just fine.

Another difficulty (#2 here) that I remember hearing in one interview was the assumptions that people would make, and the expectations people would have of a woman who wore hijab. I also get that, and have struggled with that. Muslims and non-Muslims alike see a man with a beard, or a woman wearing hijab (or niqab or whatever) and automatically make certain assumptions about their character. It's happened to me and it's made me angry. "She must be a good little girl that prays 5 times a day, shy and afraid of talking to boys, will have an arranged marriage to someone from the old country, can probably cook decent Pakistani food and is either looking to be a doctor or a housewife..." When really, the praying this is the ONLY true thing about me. Perhaps I should be quieter, or attempt to be a good little girl. God knows, I try. But I'm not perfect, and like any other Muslim, I struggle with things. I want to be good in every aspect of my life. But I slip sometimes. Or flat out don't bother with improving myself in some areas, even though I know I should. I think what frustrated a lot of Muslims who are outwardly Muslim in appearance (w/ a beard or headscarf) is that they feel they're carrying this burden of expectation. People make assumptions about you, people judge you for not meeting their expectations. Yes, it is frustrating. I get it. I've been there. I have on a number of occasions been misjudged/criticized by people (*cough* by men...just saying!) for having a certain appearance, but not quite fitting in the mold. So once again, I understand that feeling. But at the same time, burdens are a part of life. I do not want to stop doing something I believe in just because people are reading me wrong. It's not my problem. And I guess while I'm at it, let me make a plea to all of you who are reading this: don't judge a book by its cover. Please do not make assumptions, good or bad, about Muslims, however modest or immodest they appear. It's not your job to judge people. As a Muslim, I believe only God has that right. Not you. Of course, since I probably have a readership of about 3 people (and I'm overestimating here) I know that people will continue to judge and make assumptions and give me the burden of having to be a sort of ambassador of Islam. But then, if you appear Muslim (because of ethnicity or because you have a Muslim name) I think you're automatically a representative, whether you like it or not. It is the way of the world. Deal.

A third difficulty that has been mentioned many times, which I personally cannot relate to, is the fear Muslim women may have felt in wearing a scarf here in the U.S., particularly after 9/11. I imagine many men might have felt similarly if they have/had beards. I am certainly not oblivious to the anti-Muslim environment here. I have been told to go back to "my country" several times in the past few years by complete strangers. I think it startled me and scared me a little in the beginning. Not to the point that I ever wanted to take off my scarf to blend in, but it definitely shook me up a little. It still does when it happens. But the fear is gone now and I only feel anger. I don't fear for my safety. In fact, I think I'm more on the offensive now -- if an assault like that were to ever happen face-to-face and closer contact (and it never does; people are cowardly and do it from a moving vehicle usually) I would not hesitate at all to do/say something. Yes, I would be a little worried about it escalating to violence, but I have so much anger in me that I feel perfectly capable in taking on a man twice my size and strength. Honestly, I would rather take a beating that let someone shout crap at me and walk away without feeling at least some of my anger. But that's just me. I grew up with Mortal Kombat and that one Kung Fu show.

Once again, even though I can't personally relate, I think I do understand the fear. At the same time though, I also think it's extremely naive of Muslims to think "if I stop looking Muslim, I'll be safe." I'm sorry to shatter this illusion, but it is complete crap. Here's the thing. The people who hate you for looking Muslim also hate you for being Muslim, and taking off your scarf will not change that. They will still hate you and distrust you. Case in point, I remember the last time I went to an ISNA convention I found a little booklet about the whole "being Muslim in the U.S. in a post 9/11 world + government/people with authority: know your rights" stuff...and there was this bit about traveling, and they had a dozen or so profiles of Muslims who had experienced harassment from airport employees/government agents. I remember very clearly that the majority of the victims were non-hijabi women, and clean-shaven men. My point is, with this whole Islamophobia, we are not discriminated against for looking Muslim, but rather, for being Muslim. By the same token, I want to add here that -- of course -- this country, and the world in general, is filled with good, cultured people who do not hate us for who we are, and that won't change regardless of how you appear. I guess in short, the fact is you're Muslim, and you can't hide that from people. The ones that already like you as you are will continue to like you no matter what you look like. The ones that don't like you will continue to dislike you until you leave your religion completely. I guess what I want to say here is to not use fear as a reason to stop practicing your religion. The other reasons above are a bit different, they have more to do with internal struggles that we all deal with as humans. But to not stand up against fear in order to defend who you are and what you believe in...well...Malcolm X put it best: "A man who stands for nothing will fall for anything."

I suppose there's just one more thing I want add before ending this looooooooong mess of thoughts. I can't stress how much I can empathize, so anything I've said is not meant to be taken as a condemnation of women who don't wear a hijab. I personally have very few friends who wear it. In fact, I think the majority of my closest and dearest friends do not wear it, either because they don't want to or are not even Muslim. To each their own. Of course, we all do what we do because we believe certain things. I wear hijab because I believe it's the right thing to do. And I recall now on NPR -- and with people I know -- that I've heard several ex-hijabis admitting themselves that they feel wearing the hijab is the right thing to do...but it was just really hard and they didn't want to do it anymore. I will repeat for the upteenth time: I get it. Really, I do. Nobody wants to do things that are difficult. Hello, that's why I never took AP classes in high school. (plus I didn't like most of the honors/AP-type students. They irritated me. See? Proven my earlier comment: I'm a crappy person!) But, as the saying goes: well, ok..I don't how to word the saying exactly because it comes in so many different forms from different people. First instance that comes to me is movie Dumbledore, telling Harry "soon we must choose between what is right and what is easy." Kenneth told Jack Donaghy something similar on 30 Rock. I'm sure some real-life people have also given the same advice to the world, but no one comes to mind. Anyway. The point is, in life we are constantly faced with the decision to choose different paths. Sometimes the easy path is just fine. Eat an entire bag of cheese puffs for dinner or try cooking something? The cheese puffs decision, while admittedly not the wisest, was not the worst decision either. True, I had a tummy ache, and true, I think I gained a couple of pounds from it. But other than that no harm done. Life goes on. But of course, we often have to make more difficult (and less impulsive) decisions and we have to think hard if it's worth it to take the easy way out, if it's worth it to take the high road instead. Of course, we're all going to answer that in different ways since we all measure worth differently.

/Thoughts. Enter nap time.